The Onion Stole My Blog!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/area_dad_will_only_watch

Go to that site! Go ahead! You could also just read my blog from February 9, 2008...10 days earlier! I love the fake news reporting of The Onion. It is one of my daily favorite hits for years. Imagine my dismay when, after a few days hiatus, I arrive to the site to find that they described the television-watching behavior of a typical American dad, and it mirrored my own. Turn their golf reference into curling, and that article is practically mine! Do I have any legal recourse? Who am I kidding, I barely have time to blog, let alone carry out a suit against the publication famous for irreverant political and social satire and the unwavering mockery of hockey. I sometimes feel their words have lept from my soul. I guess I will take some solace in the fact that my TV is bigger than the "area dad." 60 inches sucka! Oooooh..."Modern Marvels--The Butcher" is on The History Channel HD. I always wondered how Chicago got their meat in the 1890s and became "The Pork Butcher of the World." Boy, could I go for a ribeye steak right about now.

I Hate Studying

This isn't one of those things where you read the title and then realize that the body of the message is a deep or satirical twist. I am just really sick of studying. I am taking a test on March 3rd, and almost all of my spare time for the past 2 months has been spent studying. I really hate it. I like the idea of furthering my career and gaining knowledge, but in practice, it was a really bad idea for me to sign up to take this test. I should be studying right now, and I feel guilty for doing this instead. I feel like eating is a luxury that can wait until after the test. Sleep and showering are giant wastes of my time...more so than usual. Oh well. I have to go study now, and by "now" I mean after Best Week Ever.

At Least She Doesn't Use HGH

The winningest person on the Grammy's last night was Amy Winehouse...a "musical genius" who is known to occasionally dabble in recreational use of heroin, coccaine, and alcohol...allegedly. She couldn't perform live in L.A. because she couldn't get out of her native country due to "legal issues." I think it high time we award that kind of commitment to mind-altering substances. At last, we have arrived at a time when 19 year-olds can drink on MTV or in People magazine and neither they nor the bar/club need be held accountable! Long gone will be the days that baseball players are suspended and subpoenaed by Congress due to use of steroids or HGH! Gone the days when football players lose thousands of dollars because their trainer gave them the wrong flaxseed oil! Actually, on second thought, let's keep our tax dollars going to the rigorous examination of MLB and Spygate. Athletes aren't as pretty as musicians and actors...except Tom Brady...he gets a pass.

I Will Only Watch TV in HD

While I do not spend a lot of time these days watching tv, I have decided that I am willing to watch almost anything in high definition...except hockey. For example, I just watched a hawk kill an iguana in a documentary on The Galapagos Islands. I'm sure there is something better or more informative on, but until Fox News Channel and CNN have caucas results in in HD, I will not be watching. Last week, I watched a show about a giant dam in China. I will never need that information, nor do I really care about it, but the picture quality was amazing. Last Winter, I sat for 2 uninterrupted hours and watched curling during the Canadian championships on CBC-HD (one bonus of living in the Northwest...I like Canadian commercials too). I have no idea what the actual rules of this bocce-ball-on-ice sport are, but I have a pretty good feeling that I could do it. This could be my Olympic calling. I have surpassed my peak age for gymnastics or figure skating, but curling seems like something I could really get a handle on. That is neither here nor there, but I now know what I will be watching next Wednesday at 8 on National Geographic HD...Explorer: Testosterone Factor followed by The Dog Whisperer, where I will continue my quest to become a calm, assertive pack leader. HD is the best!

Homie Don't Play That

I live in Graham, Washington. I think people assume that it is a suburb of Seattle, but in fact it is a subrurb of a suburb of Tacoma in Pierce County, Wasington. It is lame. I have a hard time explaining why Washington feels like a different country because it is not one thing, but a locus of points that adds up to this being a bizarre place to live...unless you've never lived anywhere else. Nonetheless, I have tried to make the most of the good things about the Northwest, but I feel as though I have done all I can. I hope to make this blog therepeutic for me as well as a window into life here in The Evergreen State where the first 11 minutes of the news consists of stories about snow in the mountains...clearly I am missing something, but I digress. As my blog totle implies, my time is limited, but I will try to be a diligent blogger, or at least complain a little bit every day...
When I lived in Mississippi, I expected to feel as though I was living 15-20 years ago. I had high hopes for Washington, but I am daily reminded that the two places are eerily similar. Today's "circa 1992" moment came in Walmart. Two middle-aged white men were stacking onions in the produce department having a lively conversation about one of their co-workers when one of them boldly stated, "...so I told her, 'uh-uh, homie don't play that,' "to which his onion-stacking partner replied, "oh snap."