Campaign Ads Make Me Feel Good bout Myself

I think I will quit my job. As I see it, the governement and the banks are to blame when I make poor financial decisions. I shouldn't have to worry about a "budget" or whether or not I can "afford" something. This is America! I have the unalienable right to a high-definition television and an SUV! Everyone deserves a $200 haircut and $500 pair of shoes.

The opportunity to work hard and make a life for myself and my family is soooooooooo 18th-century idealism/the basis for our democracy. Opportunity is lame. I am entitled to everything Bill Gates has. Nevermind that I haven't invented anything (nevermind that I really think I had the idea for the Pasta Pot before there was a Pasta Pot). In fact, what little I have earned in my life isn't really mine, per se. What about everyone else? What about the people who majored in medaival studies with a minor in philosophy and have been disillusioned by the lack of jobs requiring their particular brand of knowledge? So what if I made an informed decision based on our aging population to major in something with a direct translation into the working world? My husband lucked into being an Air Force pilot with very little hard work, and our collective salaries should be taxed and distributed to people who get knocked-up after high school so they can get their check (not making that up).

I am not naive or bitter enough to think that everyone who is in financial trouble deserves it. There are good and hard-working people who fall on difficult times, and this is not directed at said people. I just watched a political propaganda advertisement on my HDTV (party unimportant), and there was a reference to the fact that we the American people have "done our part" and have been let down by the government and banks. Let us not be fooled into believeing that. We all need a pat on the back every now and then to make us feel better, but this is not the time, lest people start thinking thay made good decisions because candidate A or B or Nader is trying to win us over. It is just like when I go to The Gap and try on a pair of Size 4 jeans and they fit when I know perfectly well that I am a size 8 (sometimes 6 on a good day). You best believe I bought those Size 4 pants, but deep down I know what I am. In the same way that I know that buying a Size 6 with a Size 4 label isn't going to make me any skinnier, the American people should be aware that a candidate buttering us up, doesn't make us responsible, successful, contributing members of society.

New Reality TV Voting Procedure

I love reality television. I have said for many years that I am the target demographic that every stupid, mind-numbing dating/survival/modeling/eating/dancing/learning to knit competition show has been designed for. I am not sure if I am getting bitter in my old age or if I felt this way all along, but I find myself in a pickle when it comes time for me AKA "the American public" to vote for their favorite dancer/singer/designer/talented animal. I long, more often than not, to cast multiple votes for the person I hate the most. I clearly do not actually hate a 17 year-old, half-stoned, dread-locked whiny singer. On the other hand, I also never want to see him on my television again. The obvious answer to this dilemma is to simply stop watching these shows. The problem with that is that I like mindless television. I want to be able to vote off the girl who talks in the third person, or the guy who cheeses it up for the camera, or the worst B-team celebrity who makes more money dancing the foxtrot or "interviewing" for Donald Trump than I will make in my lifetime. I want to be able to place negative votes! There should be 2 phone numbers on the screen: call 1-866-fameseeker-01 to keep him or her in the competition and 1-866-yourfifteenminutesareover-01 to give him or her the boot! Perhaps, some might argue that this would be mean and not in the spirit of true competition. I would argue that when you go on national television to try to win anything outside of a showcase showdown, you know exactly what you are getting into. Consequently, I, as a member the viewing public, have the right to let you know exactly what I think of your singing/cooking/dancing/ice sculpting.

Gina Loves Third Person

Gina loves people talking about themselves in 3rd person. Seriously, what is up with third person? I am watching America's Next Top Model (about which I am a bit ashamed and will concede that this gives me less credibility), and some wannabe model is referring to herself by her first name when talking about herself. Until you have accomplished something of note that makes other people know you, let's keep it first person. I think there are only a select few people who have maybe earned the right to refer to themselves in third person. After much consideration, those people are: Anyone whose name or title begins with "The" (i.e.: The Dalai Lama, The Pope, The Sultan of Brunei), Oprah (even though I think she is self-righteous), Bill Gates, and Chuck Norris (pre-Total Gym endorsement). Anyone else needs to reconsider before they begin a sentence with their first name.

The Onion Stole My Blog!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/area_dad_will_only_watch

Go to that site! Go ahead! You could also just read my blog from February 9, 2008...10 days earlier! I love the fake news reporting of The Onion. It is one of my daily favorite hits for years. Imagine my dismay when, after a few days hiatus, I arrive to the site to find that they described the television-watching behavior of a typical American dad, and it mirrored my own. Turn their golf reference into curling, and that article is practically mine! Do I have any legal recourse? Who am I kidding, I barely have time to blog, let alone carry out a suit against the publication famous for irreverant political and social satire and the unwavering mockery of hockey. I sometimes feel their words have lept from my soul. I guess I will take some solace in the fact that my TV is bigger than the "area dad." 60 inches sucka! Oooooh..."Modern Marvels--The Butcher" is on The History Channel HD. I always wondered how Chicago got their meat in the 1890s and became "The Pork Butcher of the World." Boy, could I go for a ribeye steak right about now.

I Hate Studying

This isn't one of those things where you read the title and then realize that the body of the message is a deep or satirical twist. I am just really sick of studying. I am taking a test on March 3rd, and almost all of my spare time for the past 2 months has been spent studying. I really hate it. I like the idea of furthering my career and gaining knowledge, but in practice, it was a really bad idea for me to sign up to take this test. I should be studying right now, and I feel guilty for doing this instead. I feel like eating is a luxury that can wait until after the test. Sleep and showering are giant wastes of my time...more so than usual. Oh well. I have to go study now, and by "now" I mean after Best Week Ever.

At Least She Doesn't Use HGH

The winningest person on the Grammy's last night was Amy Winehouse...a "musical genius" who is known to occasionally dabble in recreational use of heroin, coccaine, and alcohol...allegedly. She couldn't perform live in L.A. because she couldn't get out of her native country due to "legal issues." I think it high time we award that kind of commitment to mind-altering substances. At last, we have arrived at a time when 19 year-olds can drink on MTV or in People magazine and neither they nor the bar/club need be held accountable! Long gone will be the days that baseball players are suspended and subpoenaed by Congress due to use of steroids or HGH! Gone the days when football players lose thousands of dollars because their trainer gave them the wrong flaxseed oil! Actually, on second thought, let's keep our tax dollars going to the rigorous examination of MLB and Spygate. Athletes aren't as pretty as musicians and actors...except Tom Brady...he gets a pass.

I Will Only Watch TV in HD

While I do not spend a lot of time these days watching tv, I have decided that I am willing to watch almost anything in high definition...except hockey. For example, I just watched a hawk kill an iguana in a documentary on The Galapagos Islands. I'm sure there is something better or more informative on, but until Fox News Channel and CNN have caucas results in in HD, I will not be watching. Last week, I watched a show about a giant dam in China. I will never need that information, nor do I really care about it, but the picture quality was amazing. Last Winter, I sat for 2 uninterrupted hours and watched curling during the Canadian championships on CBC-HD (one bonus of living in the Northwest...I like Canadian commercials too). I have no idea what the actual rules of this bocce-ball-on-ice sport are, but I have a pretty good feeling that I could do it. This could be my Olympic calling. I have surpassed my peak age for gymnastics or figure skating, but curling seems like something I could really get a handle on. That is neither here nor there, but I now know what I will be watching next Wednesday at 8 on National Geographic HD...Explorer: Testosterone Factor followed by The Dog Whisperer, where I will continue my quest to become a calm, assertive pack leader. HD is the best!